My thirties were largely spent wondering, “Is this all there is?” I’d finished my law and Master’s degrees and had assumed I’d love the newfound freedom. Instead, I found myself…bored.

What did adults who weren’t juggling work and grad school do all the time? Hobbies? Volunteer? Travel? I wanted to do all three, but it took a few years of trial and error to finally design my life so that I now feel on the cusp of becoming the woman I want to be. (Thanks, DVF, for the inspiration and reminder to “Be the woman you want to be”.)

What led to the biggest breakthrough for arriving at what my mission, my values, and my passions were—and to design a life I loved incorporating these—was to fall back on a practice I’d abandoned with the adoption of smart phones. Writing things down! My friend and I bought matching day planners and (sparkly!) pens and set out on a path that led to much self-discovery. We came up with a list of 12 words that described the women we wanted to be, and every month, we made a practice of only saying yes to activities that aligned with those concepts.

At the time, I was living in DC. I desperately missed the city I call home—New York—but wasn’t clear on how I would make my way back in the time frame I’d decided upon. (When I made the move, I promised myself I’d be gone less than 2 years). Because I viewed my time there as temporary, I made no efforts to enjoy life. I didn’t date, and I made no friends outside of those I knew through work. My life was work, working out, and eating solo at the city’s Michelin-starred restaurants (my time there wasn’t all bad). Still, I wasn’t thriving there, and I felt it in my core that something needed to change.

I’d always had excuses for why I hadn’t taken many bucket list trips. Not enough vacation time, demands of grad school, too expensive, no one to travel with. When a colleague asked me if I’d speak at a conference in Mozambique, all expenses paid, I couldn’t resist. I felt it was a sign that now was the time to say yes to the new experiences the universe was sending my way. I had dreamed of going to Africa since I was a child, and in my Bioethics fellowship, had almost worked out a 6-mont sabbatical with Moi University in Kenya before it fell through due to demands of my job.

Now, the opportunity presented itself once more. Finally, I was making it to the continent! I extended my trip and met up with a childhood friend who lives in Kenya and runs a nonprofit. Fast forward to today, and I am on the Board of Directors for the nonprofit, The Village Cooperative, and direct a portion of my proceeds to our programs in Kenya, India, and Guatemala.

Also around that time in 2017 and 2018, I committed to finishing a novel I’d been noodling over for years. Although I didn’t release what is now Trading Secrets until May 2020, it was during my DC purgatory that I made the most progress. In fact, my DC stay helped me evolve on many levels because I had to become laser focused on what was important—getting back. home to NYC, becoming a writer, devoting my time and resources to an organization whose mission aligned with mine to empower women and children and help. I had a renewed focus on prioritizing my health on all levels—body, mind and spirit—so that I could be the absolute best version of myself.

Tips to Design a Life You Love

Create space for introspection

My preferred ways to explore my thoughts and feelings are meditation, journaling, and yoga. I also like reading books written by people who embody my values and my mission. It helps me clarify my path.

Find time for silence. While shutting off your brain and relaxing with TV or over cocktails can help your brain rest, you still need time to connect with where you are.

Prioritize self-care

I make my best decisions when I’m well-rested. I have the most energy when I’m eating a balanced diet focused on plants and healthy proteins (along with some antioxidant-rich treats like dark chocolate for some mindful indulgence). I feel the best when I’m regularly moving my body with a balance of strength training, yoga, and cardio.

Create rituals that focus on self-care. Reading books you love, epsom salt baths, stretching, being at home in your body, starting the day with matcha tea or healthy proteins. Even if your time or resources are limited, there are plenty of ways to take better care of yourself.

Be willing to leave behind what isn’t meant for you

This is deeply personal. What works for someone else—whether it be a relationship, a job, or a lifestyle—doesn’t have to work for you. If you’re contemplating major change and you begin taking steps to remove barriers in your life to becoming the person you’re destined to be, you may lose relationships or outgrow situations on the way. It is so worth it to make space for what is supposed to be part of your story.

Make it fun!

This is probably the most important part. If you commit to an overhaul of your life and it brings you no joy, you’ll revert back to the old ways that are no longer serving you. We are living in complicated times, and the sadness and tragedy can be overwhelming. Pile self-discovery on top of the complexities of modern life and you’ve got a recipe for burn out, which is the complete opposite of what you want to do.

Be kind to yourself. Outline principles to guide your life and strive to align your actions with those. Even if you aren’t ready to craft a life mission statement (is anyone ever really ready for that?) or commit to a new career path, you can take baby steps to get you closer to the ideal you want for your life. Focus on progress, not perfection.

Find inspiration in activities and people that make you come alive. You know what I’m talking about. The topics you discuss when you feel excitement coursing through your body, the friends and colleagues you have dinner with and feel so energized after. Prioritize those people and those activities.

Once you’ve devoted some time to self-exploration, you’ll naturally find a bit more clarity. It won’t be immediate, but when you look back, you’ll see how much has changed. Your thoughts and words will become more aligned with the things that are important to you.

Where your attention goes, your energy flows

…or something along those lines. I can’t remember who said this, but I find it to be true in my life. I make room for at least three workouts a week in addition to daily walks with my dog. I try to do something, no matter how small, every single day that my future author self will thank me for, something focused on building my platform as an author. In my work and personal lives, I try to educate others on disparities and inspire others to contribute their time and resources on initiatives they care about. I’m still a longggg way from my idea of the woman I want to be, but I know I’m getting a little closer every single day.

I hope the second half of 2022 is filled with love, inspiration, and clarity for you. I hope you can take steps every day to do what makes you come alive.

May everyone everywhere be happy, healthy, and free!

Cheers!